Exhibit A

Exhibit B

She’s like a more-accessible, better-singing, more understandable Joanna Newsome. She’s even a little better-looking. That’s money in the bank, right? Why fix it if it isn’t broken?

So what the fuck is this horseshit?

Ellie Goulding, “Under The Sheets” from Neon Gold Records on Vimeo.

This recording, and the video that accompanies it, is beyond execrable for a musician of her calibre. You take a beautiful, stylized voice, filter the shit out of it, throw in some auto-tune (because that’s what the kids like, right?), and then shoot this sucky, drivel and cliche-filled video. This is art-rape and I won’t stand for it.

And it’s not like she can’t sing this song well anyway. Look at this live performance: Under The Sheets. It’s a good song without all the crap! And meaningful!

Now Ellie Goulding has been working with electronic producers for years, according to her bio. As a house-head, breakbeat junkie, and electronic music fan going back to “before it was cool” I have no objection to making dance tunes. Her dreamy, high-toned voice fits dance music wonderfully. (Listen to this recording of “Guns and Horses” The production kind of takes over the words but it’s still entertaining, at least.) There’s nothing wrong with getting rich off your talent, but you won’t see me buying her album after watching this music video.

Should I expect less of 22-year-olds?

I do hope she makes a LOT of money because when you do shit like this, you lose a lot of credibility with your fanbase (it is honestly hard for me to take her seriously when I think of “Kei$ha” when I see her video). And when the pendulum swings and nobody wants to hear auto-tune and this kind of music anymore, she’s going to need all that money to keep herself fed.

:p